But even God is okay with misogyny...

So I was reading my Bible like a good lil' Christian does, and I stumbled upon some very handy scriptures. Okay, maybe not meaning-of-life handy, but nice to know nonetheless. I like to share some of these with my male brethren.

Women: you may want to leave the room.

Deuteronomy 22: 28,29 is a wicked convenient set of verses to know if you think you found the girl of your dreams. It pretty much guarantees her Daddy will say 'yes' when you ask for her hand in marriage. "In case a man finds a girl, a virgin who has not been engaged, and he actually seizes her and lies down with her, and they have been found out, the man who lay down with her must also give the girl's father fifty shekels, and she will become his wife due to the fact that he humiliated her. He will not be allowed to divorce her all her days."

Now isn't that so romantic. I mean, it even guarantees that the marriage will last forever! The Honeymoon may be awkward, but if you love her enough to rape her; you know you love her enough to get past those rough patches. I know...you're a bit confused about what you read and you want to make sure it's right. Yes, it was fifty shekels. But with today's rate that's only like...18 cents or something.  You'd have to ask your bank, I'm not sure.

Next verse is a good one. It comes from Judges so you know it's legal, too. It's in Chapter 19, verse 22-28 "While they were making their hearts feel good. Look! the men of the city, were good-for-nothing men, surrounded the house, shoving one another against the door; and they kept saying to the old man, the owner of the house: 'Bring out the man that came into your house, that we may have intercourse with him.' At that the owner of the house went out to them and said to them: 'No, my brothers, do not do anything wrong, please, since this man has come into my house. Do not commit this disgraceful folly.'"

So far noting big. Just something that seems like an outtake from Oz or Shawshank Redemption. But this is where it gets good. Again, if any women have entered the room, have them leave. They can go wash windows or do some other woman's work you know they've been slacking on lately.

"Here are my virgin daughter and his concubine. Let me bring them out, please, and you rape them and do to them what is good in your eyes. But to this man you must not do this disgraceful, foolish thing.
"And the men did not want to listen to him. Hence the man took hold of his concubine and brought her forth to them outside; and they began to have intercourse with her, and kept on abusing her all night long until the morning, after which they sent her off at the ascending of the dawn... Later her master rose up in the morning and opened the doors of the house and went out to get on his way, and, look! the woman, his concubine, fallen at the entrance of the house with her hands upon the threshold! So he said to her 'Rise up and let us go.' But there was no one answering."

So the Bible is telling us that if someone is trying to force you into doing something immoral or illegal and it is MORE wrong for you to do it than if your wife or daughter or sister does it, then you should have your female counterpart do it. Even if she dies in the act, it's cool because it was less wrong for her to have died. Now I don't know if rape and sodomy is the only case where it's better for women to do the rough work. I don't claim to be a Biblical scholar; just a fan. Maybe it's okay to throw your wife in front of you during a bank robbery; or to push your daughter in front of the bus so you have more room to jump out of its way. I just don't know, but the Bible is clear on rape.

One last verse if not just for the reason that this blogging is keeping me from reading about more cases when men are, by far, better than women. 1 Timothy 2:9-14 says: "Likewise I desire the women to adorn themselves in well-arranged dress, with modesty and soundness of mind, not with styles of hair braiding and gold or pearls or very expensive garb. But in a way that befits women professing to reverence God, namely, through good works.
"Let a woman learn in silence with full submissiveness. I do not permit a woman to teach, or to exercise authority over a man, but to be in silence. For Adam was formed first, then Eve. Also, Adam was not deceived, but the woman was thoroughly deceived and came to be in transgression."

Soooo... women should sit there silently with their pretty dresses and well-groomed hair and let us men do the important talking. Not like we really needed the Bible to tell us that that's how it works best anyhow! We'll let them teach the children how to fingerpaint or something while they're not making us sandwiches and pleasing us in bed; you know, to make them feel like they contribute something.

Well, that's my time. Keep reading your Bibles and I'll see you again next time!